Monday, March 30, 2009

how to bottle joy

In three easy steps:

Step one: Commission and produce a glass replica of a Crystal Skull.

Step two: Create a quadruple-distilled vodka, triple filtered through carbon...and then triple filter is through "500 million year old quartz crystals, known as Herkimer diamonds."

Step three: It puts the vodka in the skull.

It is entirely worth your precious, spare moments to watch the video by Dan Ackroyd. I guess this went "viral" in October, but this is the first I've heard about it.

All I know is that at $250 a bottle, this vodka better cure cancer or magically refill itself. For that kind of coin, it better sing me lullabies at bedtime and walk the dog on rainy days. Or at least make me so drunk that I'm unaware that it's raining out when I'm walking the dog.

Oh, wait. The suggested retail price (if you can find it in stock) is a more affordable, but still pricey, $50. Damn! That's some serious price gouging!

Although, I think we all knew going doesn't come cheap.

Friday, March 27, 2009

picture day

Some days you are the baby kimodo dragon.
Some days you're the bug.


I do not like Peeps. They are my least favorite thing about Spring/Easter. In my opinion, the only good peep is a carmelized peep. The fact that grown-ass adults would create diaramas using peeps only makes me want to smash them more.

Although...if this could solve the pothole problem in Chicago, I would be all for it.

And if I was voting, I would crown this one.
And then set it on fire.
"Peep on a Wire."


Recently, I bought this shirt for my sister, who is:

1) a leo
2) a girl
3) a gay

It's from the threadless folks and is titled, "Gay Pride."

I am also:
1) a leo
2) a girl

But, I am not gay.

I really covet this shirt, since it's all pink and covered with Lions (dude, I wanted to name our dog Aslan, but was out-voted.) If I were to wear this shirt, I have no doubt that many folks I know, would think I was gay....which normally? Whatever. But, as I believe much of the population already thinks I'm gay, I'm kinda fighting an uphill battle as it stands.

While I love that shirt, I'd rather avoid having this conversation.

- Dude, I'm not gay.
- But you're shirt is sooooooo gay!
- Yeah. But, I'm not gay.
- Are you sure? You kinda seem gay.
- I'm sure. Not gay.
- Really? Cuz I always kinda pegged you for...
- Not gay, dude.
- Oh. Okay..... Are you sure?


I dig robots as much as the next nerdling.
I celebrate all machinery that make my life less toiling. I [heart] my washing machine, the timer on my lamp. Even my beater of a car.

I'm even cool with them being better at math.

But, a giant robot that breathes fire?

"The system goes online on August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th."

Oof. No more giant robots, okay Tokyo?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

happiness is...

Things that have made me happy recently.
In no particular order...

- The latest episode of Dollhouse. It's been a slow build, and part of me worries that Whedon is writing with the thought that DH will have the same short-lived fate as Firefly, but this week's show came out swinging. Hixx, you should really give this another shot. When Helo and Eliza D finally meet, it's on like MFing Donkey Kong.

- That the outro song for Dollhouse this week was "Sweet Dream" by Greg Laswell. I can't get enough of this album. In a way, I'm really happy I'm not in a relationship, because it has a very sweet romantic vibe to it...and I'm kinda glad that it won't have that brand on it 10 years from now, where I connect it to some guy I was schtupping.

- The name Ulysses Brambor. I invented this name today. I'm pretty sure I need to write a scene about Ulysses...or the people who've crossed paths with him.

- Vegas in the fall with M (fingers crossed) and S. Just the idea of this puts a huge smile on my face! But, even if it's just me and S, that would be delightful in and of itself. I'd get some solo time to crash out poolside while he's at his seminars and we'd hit some tasty meals and some even tastier table action. I was going to cash in my giant "coin jar" and throw it in my savings, but I think that I'll just keep adding to it until the trip, and use it for my spending money for the tables instead. Come here little coins!!

- Dusting off the creative part of my brain. I'm going to be directing a show in May-June (info forthcoming), and working on some pre-production schtuff with the producers has been delightful. I've been working out rehearsal agendas (what I want to accomplish in each) and thinking about format and technical ideas. Basically, my job is just to point the ship towards it's ultimate destination, the cast has to man the boat, stay on course and keep it afloat. While battling zombies.

- Olive crashing out on the bed last night. I don't know how many of you live alone and have a dog. (I'm not sure it's the same experience as a cat, so I'm keeping it specific.) Next month it will be 10 years since I ran into Olive on a farm down in TN. There is no doubt that Olive loves YOU, but, she's quite fickle when it comes to me. While she enjoys napping near me on weekend afternoons, she's gotten into the habit of crashing solo at night - either on the floor of my room or in the living room. She was gone by the time I woke up, but it was nice to fall asleep with the beast curled up next to me, once again.

Part of my brain tells me that she has stopped bunking with me regularly as a method to "wean" me. That way, one day, when she's gone on to that great bacon filled resort in the sky, it will be easier to get used to sleeping without her. (how hard was that sentence to type? HARD.)

The other part of my brain thinks she's just sick of my snoring.

- Meals with friends. Last week I had one dinner with J, another dinner with J, her sister A and a couple other ladies (S and R) and a spectacular lunch with JS (no relation to J.) Now, as much as I need to pinch some pennies, those meals were worth every cent (especially the one where J picked up the tab - thanks, yo!) Sometimes, I forget that friends (and alcohol) are gifts we give ourselves. And renewed friendships are like getting a round on the house. Holla.

- Youtube. My mom is a proud turtle owner. I said it.

She found one on the side of Interstate 57 on a trip to visit me in college...over 20 years ago. I often wonder, if he outlives her - would I adopt it, or find a nice home for it? I doubt after two decades of being hand fed, he'd survive in the wild. Then again, I know squat about turtles and their ability to adapt.

Anyway, maybe you've seen that video where the turtle is humping a shoe.
And it's making that noise? And you can see its turtle junk?

A turtle humping a shoe....made me think about my mom.

So...I...called her. In 20 years, I've heard lots of stories about Saluki (the turtle), but I never heard about it humping stuff. I had to know.

As blunt as I normally am, I have to say, describing that video to my mom was hysterically awkward. Long story short, she had never witnessed this kind of behavior from her pet...but was beyond curious and had me send her the link.

I sent my mom a link to a turtle humping a shoe.

And all is right with the world.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


My brain says, "This is what happy sounds like."

I dare you to karaoke along...wherever you are right NOW.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!

Gonna keep on dancin' to the rock and roll
On Saturday night, Saturday night
Dancin' to the rhythm in our heart and soul
On Saturday Night, Saturday night

I I I I I just can't wait
I I I I got a date

At the good ole rock and roll road show, I gotta go
Saturday Night, Saturday Night
Gonna rock it up, roll it up, do it all, have a ball,
Saturday Night, Saturday Night

It's just a Saturday Night
It's just a Saturday Night
It's just a Saturday Night

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!

Gonna dance with my baby till the night is thru
On Saturday Night, Saturday Night
Tell her all the little things I'm gonna do
On Saturday night, Saturday Night

I I I I love her so
I I I I'm gonna let her know

At the good ole rock and roll road show, I gotta go
Saturday Night, Saturday Night
Gonna rock it up, roll it up, do it all, have a ball,
Saturday Night, Saturday Night


S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!


Thursday, March 12, 2009

when worlds collide

Witness. A perfect storm of comedy.

"These are the "no go" areas: drugs, child abuse, the Holocaust."

"N. Do you know what Necrophilia is?"

Give it up to Elmo for holding his own with Gervais.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


First, the meme: 1. List three of your major artistic influences and three unexpected ones

It's kind of a hell when you have writer's block. Or is it writers' block? Not sure. Either way, "tomorrow" took a few more days than I originally planned.

My three major influences?

1) History. I know that's kind of all encompassing in a way, but looking over my work and life, it's the history of places and people and even things that seems to spur me on. It's reading about other lives and views and both building and reflecting and homaging those stories that excite me.

I am a big believer that unless we learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. That we have to connect with the humanity of the folks who created the world we live in as much as the folks who live across the street...or across the globe.

Here's an example - The Tiffany Dome in the Chicago Cultural Center.

It's the largest of it's kind in the world. It's the kind of thing I could ponder for hours.

Imagining when the Cultural Center was first built - it was Chicago's original public library. All the people who came into the library from 1897, 1924, 1958, to borrow a book, or just get out of the rain.

What the laborers were like who created that astounding piece of art.
All the folks, who stared up at it over the indoor stargazers.

Two of my favorite shows have always been Postmortem and Defending Your Life. The casts were both amazing to work with, but it was the chance to create a moment out of time or in another's always been the most fun I've ever had.

So, yeah. History.
Be it small and personal or large and global...History eggs my brain on.

2) Studs Terkel/Errol Morris. I'm not sure if it's wrong to have these guys share a tier, but in my mind, they've had equal influence. Much like a branch off "History" - both these gents, in their own genres, have put spotlights on both the everyday folk and the celebrity. And really, aside from a publicist, there is no difference between folks and celebs.

Every person has a story, sometimes you have to really be patience, but sooner or later, they will tell it to you. It matters not the depth or breadth of the tale. All stories have the potential to connect the teller to the listener. And that connection? It makes the world go round. Or makes it go bumpy. But it makes it go.

3) Louis Armstrong. I don't tend to play those "what would your desert island Top 10" games. But if I crashed and was stuck on an island and I could only have one record (although I would wish for the whole catalogue) of one artist, it would be Louis Armstrong.

As a kid, when I said my prayers, I would silently ask God to make Louis Armstrong my guardian angel. He just always seemed so full of wisdom and joy and made amazing music.

Whenever I get really it writing, or in my head, or in life? I listen to Louis. He is my reset button. He is who I celebrate with. He is who I cook or clean or screw around on the computer to...he fits every mood, every occasion. And at all times, his music gives me a peaceful mind.

Three unexpected artistic influences, which I will not elaborate on: The Quiet Man, Roderick Jaynes and Annie Duke.